The Day the News Died

With much needed irony, Inkwaste is being revitalized with a post about the lack of posts, headlined with an impeccable reference to one of the best songs ever written. As riveting as the story of The Illusionators was, it certainly could not have been expected to keep readers engaged for the rest of February, all of March and into the beginning of this month. April 1st even came and went without a single foolish limerick or rhyme. Blame need not be placed for this interruption of consistent reporting on important, and often unimportant, world events but responsibility must be taken.

American Pie

Chief Executive Officer, Rico, has been unavailable for questioning as he has become a very busy individual, a very busy individual indeed. He was last seen hiking and camping atop Mt. Lemmon and it was later rumored that he drove all the way to Yuma and back in a span of only 15 minutes. Brilliant. This active and engaging lifestyle is more fulfilling than being interviewed for this post. He should be proud of himself.

“Laughter is inner jogging, you f#$%,” was Nick Ilka’s response upon being asked what his most recent post regarded. In his defense, he was hopped up on pain medication and did not fully understand the question.  The naked stripper lying next to him, on the other hand, had lots to say. She unfortunately puked and then passed out before we could get it on the record.

We inquired from Colin Zimmerman next as to why his quick wit and sarcasm has been left off the pages of Inkwaste. His reply: “Is it lame to still use my child as an excuse to explain why I’m not as cool as I use to be?”

Tim has been busy planning birthday barbecues and then not following through on the execution. “Oh yeah, you guys don’t need to bring anything, I’ll take care of it.” Take care of it my butt. (Yeah, we heard about that, Tim.)

Brian was also too busy to comment. He is apparently in the midst of planning twelve different bachelor parties for himself.

It took quite a bit to track down Stephie Rice. When we finally found her, she was sitting by a secret Ritz Carlton pool with a little side table full of “Stephie Shots”. She ran off before we could get a comment but apparently there is another story here. All this time, she has been telling family and friends how she WORKS fourteen hours a day.

Sanjaya Malakar, of this season’s American Idol, did not reveal why he no longer posts on the site, but it made for an interesting interview nonetheless.  He tried to convince us that he ISN’T gay. Tee hee.

Stacie Rice was overheard yelling the following Dutch phrase out the window of the van Gogh museum: “Yet whoop, Barnaby! Off with thy liquor. Drink upsees out, and a flg for the vicar.”  We get it, Stacie. Carry on.

BCox is dating a real live girl.

We finally caught up with Ben Lippert at a sunset happy hour in the heart of Pacific Beach. His excuse for moving to a really neat new place and failing to report on all its greatness was, “Um…..” Lucky for him that his career does not require articulation.

Peyton Manning could not be reached for questioning. An unofficial source tells us he was too busy kicking ass on SNL to answer our phone calls.

Carl was also unavailable for comment. If we became a druid we probably could have caught up with him in Feathermoon though.

Kevie has been too engrossed trying to find the furthest and most remote wedding location for his nuptuals in August. Apparently, making it as difficult as possible for out-of-town guests to get to his ceremony is more of a priority than Inkwaste.

We didn’t really expect Beau to be available for comment. He has been missing in action since he promised to come back and visit us after just one night in Los Angeles. That was two years ago.

In summary, no one posts anymore and it’s lame.

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